Archive for the ‘ En11 ’ Category

As the Wind Changes

The wind. You can neither grasp it nor touch it, but you can feel it flowing through your fingers or blowing through your hair. It isn’t within our capabilities to dictate where the wind goes. Instead, we let the wind take us.

Change is constant. We can not escape the flow of time. It shapes us each time something happens to us whether we’re just walking down the street and we come across the neighbor’s cute dog, or if we decide to open up our hearts again. We may or may not feel the changes that happen to us, but if we pause and reflect on our lives, it will become more obvious to us.

So many things have happened to me already that I wonder if I am still the person I used to be. I’ve experience death so many times. I’ve survived broken friendships. I have loved and been loved. I have had my heart broken. All that… and more…

I used to be really shy, but as time passed, I became stronger and more confident. Although a little of that part is still left in me, I believe that I’ve changed so much since then. I also ‘grew’ up. I used to have such an idealistic view of the world. I believed that the world was really good. I believed that life was great and as long as I believed, I wouldn’t get hurt. I was wrong.

Now, I find myself in between a war. A war between my heart… and my mind. I can’t accept reality. I believed in my ideals too much to let it go. My idealistic nature is part of me. To let go of my ideals, is to lose my identity. Some people would say I’m stupid… but no matter how hard I try, or no matter how many times reality strikes me… I can’t change that part of me. Although there are times that I accept reality for fear of being hurt again. But still, in the deepest corners of my heart, I still believe that everything would be okay. Sometimes I act mature. I say things that are realistic and true…but… it hurts. It hurts to say something you know you have to say or do something you know you have to do… even if it is against your will.

However, I continue to fight. I believe and hope I’m still fighting. I don’t want to be like the others who have given up. So if I have ever given you realistic advice, and I sounded so serious… please don’t believe me. We don’t need more realistic people in the world. Perhaps in order to heal the world, we must first have faith and learn to respect that faith.

Phobias

I have a lot of fears.

1. Entomophobia/Insectophobia.

Fear of Insects. I hate insects >.< The only insect I like is the butterfly however I can’t stand it near me. I don’t like insects touching me. I hate cockroaches and beetles or anything that resembles them the most. (Ooh… Random… I drown Ants. >.< Sowi. I hate insects.)

2.Acrophobia/Altophobia.

Fear of Heights. I can’t even stand walking on an overhead pass. It scares me. O_O Even the sides of Megamall? The ones near the center? I can’t stand leaning on them. It gives me the feeling that I might throw myself off.

3. Claustrophobia.

Fear of Tight Spaces. I hate elevators. You feel…I feel like I’m suffocating… or as if there’s no room… although I’m the only one inside.

4. Autophobia.

Fear of being alone. I don’t think I fear death itself. More of… ‘If I die? Will I be left alone forever?’. I believe in God and the afterlife… but it still scares me…

5. Achluophobia. Fear of Darkness.

I love the night more than the day… But I’m afraid of total darkness.

6. Phasmophobia. Fear of Ghosts. ‘Nuff Said.

Things I Love About My College Life

College life has been so fun so far. I like my block mates. We’re not that tight yet and there seems to be ‘barkadas’ within the block, but we *generally* all get along. It’s so weird. I’m not that culture shocked with college. I haven’t called any teachers “cher” yet. I’m used to the walking around, used to the big breaks and are comfortable with male classmates. Sure, I’ve said that my Ateneo High classmates shock me sometimes, but it’s not as shocking as I thought it’d be. But I think it’s because Ateneo is really not as different as ICA. I think that if I went to UP, I’d be really culture shocked.

When I returned to ICA, after 3 days of OrSem and 2 days of class, it felt so weird. I felt so old and out of place in my Alma Matter. My high school days seems so long ago.

5 Things I Love About College:

1. Block Mates/ Course Mates/ People In General

**I don’t think anyone hates me… YET x.x;;;**

2. More Freedom

**I can now color my hair! And paint my nails! :p**

3. Big Breaks

**I have up to 2 and a half hour breaks. :) We’re not that busy yet so these breaks are used to play cards. Especially UNO.**

4. More Enjoyable

**You’re taking the course you enjoy therefore you SHOULD enjoy the subjects you are taking. Well… we’re just taking the Core Subjects at the moment, but I like the fact that I can pick my own Science Class and PE class.**

5. New Experience

**College is so much better than high school. You were so protected in GS and HS. You learn more things in College.**

PostSecret[dot]Com

There’s this really unusual yet interesting site my En11 professor mentioned to us earlier. It’s called PostSecret. It’s a blog w/c contains the secrets of different people who sent them to the author anonymously. I find it interesting because sometimes, what we think is embarrassing, may be normal for someone else. (Side Comment: It’s a genius idea, but I also think that it makes us realize something else. How come these people are telling their deepest and darkest secrets to some person they don’t know, yet they can’t even tell their friends. I think that if we can manage to tell the online community our secrets, we should also be able to tell our friends. It’s just a thought.)

There were also many contradicting secrets. One mother wished she hadn’t aborted her child, while one wished she did. One person went to her prom with a gay guy… but hey? That’s okay. I mean, I think going with a gay guy is fine. Your date doesn’t necessarily have to be your lover/crush. You could also go with a good friend. Some people also admitted to want to commit suicide, while others proudly said that they’ve decided to choose life over death. A person commented about dating a nerd guy…and laughing about how nerdy he was… but actually… He dumped her. I found this stereotype against nerds annoying. However, maybe because I’m a bit nerdy myself. I like Star Trek. I like anime. I go to conventions. I like nerdy guys. Nerdy guys are cool. They have a lot to talk about. (Nerd stuff, but hey! They’re interesting to listen to… most of the time)

However, the ‘secret’ that struck me the most was the picture of kids in a pool with the text, “I miss our old problems”. I don’t like the idea of growing up. I feel old. I still long for the days where the only problems I had were to fix my Barbie dolls and put them back in the cabinet after I was through playing with them. I miss the days when everyone was your friend. When you grow up, friendships break often. I miss the days when you didn’t have to worry about love and relationships. Fighting hurts. No matter how big or how small the problem is. I miss the days when love and friendship brought two people together, not apart. (Fyi: I’m not talking about myself in that sentence) I miss the days when you didn’t have to worry about money because you were too young to do so. I miss the days when you didn’t really understand what ‘war and poverty’ were, so you’d always think of the world as full of sunshine and happiness.

I envy Peter Pan. Although, ‘falling in love’ is a wonderful feeling. (Something NOTHING can compare to). Sometimes, you can’t help but feel that the hurt is too much to bear, that not even the wonderful feelings can help heal the past. Once you’ve opened your eyes to the realities of the world, there’s no turning back. I wish I was still as innocent as I was before. Sometimes I wish I could redo that moment when my eyes were opened to the world… But I can’t. It has helped me grow as a person, but it had also destroyed me.