Paradis. Heaven. Iad. Hell. Welcome to my Limbo. Rock My World.

It’s been a long time since I last made an entry. School’s really tiring, plus I gained a lot of weight since school started. All that walking in AdMU just makes you want to eat, plus there’s a lot of new stalls at the Caf (I don’t go to JSEC bec it’s too far from where I hang out at). I don’t really do much at home except to check mail, watch the latest episode of Shugo Chara! and do schoolwork. There isn’t much time to do anything else because school really tires you out that you just tend to fall asleep as soon as you get home.

Anyways, here are some things that have happened to me since last time.

I had my first insertion at CRIBS New Beginnings in Markina. It’s a place where abused girls go to try to recover and start anew. (There’s also CRIBS Receiving Homes for abandoned babies.) I felt a bit out of place since it’s my first time doing area. I don’t know any girls,  I barely know my fellow NSTP/Org mates so it felt really awkward for me. I wasn’t entirely sure what to say, or what to do in fear that I might make them remember something from their past. Our goal was to try to help them by playing with them and having fun, but I think that we didn’t do so well that day. We were all tired just commuting to the area, and half of our group missed our stop (which included me), so we did a LOOT of walking that day.

The second insertion was better. I guess the girls needed time to adjust to our presence, and us to theirs. For the older girls, since they didn’t see Tugon over the summer, it was trying to remember the bond with the members. And for the new girls, of course it’d take time to adjust to having people over. I guess I liked the second insertion better because I really like art and we made notebooks today. Compared to our first, GD (group dynamics), where we played some odd version of newspaper dance, I liked the notebook making better. Plus, I wasn’t as tired today. We learned our lesson and arrived there in one take. :p

I also had my first long exam for the year for Hi18 – Western History. Not much to say about it, I found it hard… (I dare not say I found it eas…y… because I usually fail exams that I find easy. Although I did find it hard because I forgot some things…or maybe a lot of things…)

Next week is hell week. Good thing there’s no class on Thurs bec of St. Ignatius Day, but that doesn’t mean we have the luxury of relaxing that day. On Monday, I have my first long exam for Terror Theo. It’s just so hard remember which passage goes to which bible verse, and all the points Ma’am mentions in class. Information Overload. There’s just too many readings to remember everything. On tues, I have a Fil paper due for the play we watched some time ago. 3-5 pages long is a challenging yet decent number, except for the fact that it’s Filipino. I’m really poor at Filipino. (Oh random. Please excuse my poor grammar. I lost the ability to make decent punctuated sentences which are also grammatically correct. My theory is because I don’t have time to read books anymore, and I stopped writing prose/fiction. Also, everyone seems to talk in Filipino so you have to go with the flow.) At the same time, we’re having a meeting for our presentation for Theo because on Friday, we have consultation. So I need to fix my research, and we’re supposed to criticize each other’s report. On Weds… we have to fix the reports based on the critiques, and I should start finishing our Hi18 project wherein we reenacted paintings, and now we’re photoshopping faces into the paintings. On Thurs, NO CLASSES, but I still have to go to school for another meeting for our consultation on fri. Friday is a hectic day still because we have our weekly Theology quiz, Theo consultation, FA101 LQ plus FA101 project.

An acquaintance asked if it was hellweek next week for me as well, and I said not really. I didn’t really realize how much work there was to be done bec I thought FA majors’ work isn’t much compared to those who have accounting as well. Now I know I made a mistake with what I said. It is hell week next week. And it isn’t even the week before the finals. Teachers have this odd link with each other wherein they schedule their projects and tests all at the same time. It suxs really. >.< I wonder if working is less stressing. I have this odd feeling… it is…

RandomRandom Title. I saw this girl with this Ateneo PE shirt looking shirt that says Cramming Varsity at the back. I lurv it! I want that shirt. For some reason, our generation is filled with crammers. I guess we can plan outings well, but we can’t plan our schoolwork schedule just as well.

Hooray! No classes today… sorta. We still had to go to school for our NSTP Team Building during the afternoon, however all classes were canceled. I went to school early because my sister had Jeep (something like NSTP but for Juniors), and waited for Fee to finish his session so I could lend him my Bamboo Tablet. Funny how I’m lending him, his (and other friends’) gift to me on my 18th birthday. :DTeam Building was more enjoyable than expected. I still felt out of place because I’m the only non-org/new recruit in the block, but they didn’t ignore me or make me feel out of place. That’s a good sign. I was so scared about not fitting in and had started to regret not getting a load rev, but I stuck to my decision for the kids and for the babies I’ll end up taking care of. It’s really hard for me to make new friends, and I usually lose interest in the end because of my lack of social skills. I really can’t stay in an org where I have no close friends that I could relate too. However, I really like kids and babies and this is what drives me to continue working hard to fit in Tugon. I’m hoping that luck will help me be active in Tugon, and my two other orgs APART and FAS (two unaccredited art orgs). The INAF sessions was horrible though. I was seated near the speakers and the guy emcee spoke really really loud that my ears were ringing. The presentations were so-so (except for one which I thought to be funny), although I’m proud of my block mates Vince (my son/daughter), and Theia (my sister) for doing a good job. (GO CADS!) I sat with some of my block mates instead of my ‘org-mates’/ NSTP block because I was more comfortable with them, and also they were seated at a cooler (in terms of temperature) place.  I really wanted to join some other orgs but I guess… well… it’s too late. I wish I had joined Celadon, just for the switch with La Salle (AdMU won!!! w007!!!) so I could meet up with my barkada mates. I wished I had joined CADS Production, or perhaps AMP production, or some other production crew.I sorta wished I backed out of Tugon and had my NSTP changed because it’s really such a hassle being a newbie and not having the experience my block mates have. On top of that, I’m the only one who’s unsure of what’s going on since it’s a first for me. As of now, I have Tugon both on Monday mornings and on Saturday afternoons. I don’t really mind working extra actually… I just wish I had a friend with me… then I would not think about backing out. I like the Tugon-ers. They’re nice to me. I’m so confused and just waiting it out, hoping to gain close friends so that my Tugon experience will become happier and so I wouldn’t think this way.

I have a lot of fears.

1. Entomophobia/Insectophobia.

Fear of Insects. I hate insects >.< The only insect I like is the butterfly however I can’t stand it near me. I don’t like insects touching me. I hate cockroaches and beetles or anything that resembles them the most. (Ooh… Random… I drown Ants. >.< Sowi. I hate insects.)

2.Acrophobia/Altophobia.

Fear of Heights. I can’t even stand walking on an overhead pass. It scares me. O_O Even the sides of Megamall? The ones near the center? I can’t stand leaning on them. It gives me the feeling that I might throw myself off.

3. Claustrophobia.

Fear of Tight Spaces. I hate elevators. You feel…I feel like I’m suffocating… or as if there’s no room… although I’m the only one inside.

4. Autophobia.

Fear of being alone. I don’t think I fear death itself. More of… ‘If I die? Will I be left alone forever?’. I believe in God and the afterlife… but it still scares me…

5. Achluophobia. Fear of Darkness.

I love the night more than the day… But I’m afraid of total darkness.

6. Phasmophobia. Fear of Ghosts. ‘Nuff Said.

There’s this really unusual yet interesting site my En11 professor mentioned to us earlier. It’s called PostSecret. It’s a blog w/c contains the secrets of different people who sent them to the author anonymously. I find it interesting because sometimes, what we think is embarrassing, may be normal for someone else. (Side Comment: It’s a genius idea, but I also think that it makes us realize something else. How come these people are telling their deepest and darkest secrets to some person they don’t know, yet they can’t even tell their friends. I think that if we can manage to tell the online community our secrets, we should also be able to tell our friends. It’s just a thought.)

There were also many contradicting secrets. One mother wished she hadn’t aborted her child, while one wished she did. One person went to her prom with a gay guy… but hey? That’s okay. I mean, I think going with a gay guy is fine. Your date doesn’t necessarily have to be your lover/crush. You could also go with a good friend. Some people also admitted to want to commit suicide, while others proudly said that they’ve decided to choose life over death. A person commented about dating a nerd guy…and laughing about how nerdy he was… but actually… He dumped her. I found this stereotype against nerds annoying. However, maybe because I’m a bit nerdy myself. I like Star Trek. I like anime. I go to conventions. I like nerdy guys. Nerdy guys are cool. They have a lot to talk about. (Nerd stuff, but hey! They’re interesting to listen to… most of the time)

However, the ‘secret’ that struck me the most was the picture of kids in a pool with the text, “I miss our old problems”. I don’t like the idea of growing up. I feel old. I still long for the days where the only problems I had were to fix my Barbie dolls and put them back in the cabinet after I was through playing with them. I miss the days when everyone was your friend. When you grow up, friendships break often. I miss the days when you didn’t have to worry about love and relationships. Fighting hurts. No matter how big or how small the problem is. I miss the days when love and friendship brought two people together, not apart. (Fyi: I’m not talking about myself in that sentence) I miss the days when you didn’t have to worry about money because you were too young to do so. I miss the days when you didn’t really understand what ‘war and poverty’ were, so you’d always think of the world as full of sunshine and happiness.

I envy Peter Pan. Although, ‘falling in love’ is a wonderful feeling. (Something NOTHING can compare to). Sometimes, you can’t help but feel that the hurt is too much to bear, that not even the wonderful feelings can help heal the past. Once you’ve opened your eyes to the realities of the world, there’s no turning back. I wish I was still as innocent as I was before. Sometimes I wish I could redo that moment when my eyes were opened to the world… But I can’t. It has helped me grow as a person, but it had also destroyed me.